early miscarriage

Having a voice: The silence surrounding the early miscarriage

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I’m miscarrying.

I had a miscarriage.

I’m no longer pregnant.

Why can't we tell people we're having a miscarriage. Likely, we didn't cause it. It probably isn't communicible..
Why can’t we tell people we’re having a miscarriage. Usually, we didn’t cause it. It probably isn’t communicable. Yet, we are supposed to act like it isn’t happening.

These are all taboo sentences. Things we are not supposed to share.

So many times in the last few days I’ve whispered them to myself, said them under my breath, but couldn’t muster the courage to utter them aloud. I don’t know why. I finally forced myself to say them to a few people. Typing it was easier, but saying it… Why are we so afraid? Or, is it shame?

We would tell someone “oh I’m staying in today, I have a bit of a cold” or “I have a headache, I think I’ll just stay in bed” but when we’re experiencing a loss, even one we weren’t expecting, or even one we didn’t plan to have – we say nothing.

We’re told, as women, to wait to announce a pregnancy until after the first trimester. Why? Because miscarriages are common. But telling us to not announce a pregnancy tells us we should be silent about loss. If we’re not superstitious, then talking about it shouldn’t cause a miscarriage. I mean, talking about being pregnant won’t jinx us, will it?

Instead we wonder… was it the drinks I had at the reception before I knew? Was it the fact that I had told someone “Oh I think we’re done! I’m finally over the diapers stage and couldn’t imagine facing diapers and snapping a car seat again!”

I mean, do I really think that I could really wish away a child?

Announcing a miscarriage won’t cause someone else to have one, either, right?

If we can say “I’m taking a mental health day” and take a day off work, or tell our neighbor “AH! I have this nasty cold, darn kid germs,” then why can’t we say, “Yeah, it seems I’m having a miscarriage… I think I’ll stay in today and continually change my pad to make sure there’s no clotting…”

Okay we may not need to get that detailed, but a simple “yeah It seems I’m having a miscarriage…” should be something we can say. But, why can’t we bring those words from our head through our lips? Why can’t we at least let our close ones in on our little secret. That way if you’re a bit touchy or moody or “have the feelz” – they’ll understand why.

Why should we be silent about miscarriage? Are we perpetrators? Are we victims … or are we just experiencing a part of life.

Pregnancy loss, miscarriage – it happens. Please, we need not be silent – we can celebrate life in many ways – but silence will not change the “feelz” we get. Silence will not change the loss. Silence will only perpetuate the shame we’re being told we should feel.

I don’t believe “it was just tissue, so no mourning is necessary.” At 6 weeks along, the body and head were forming and there was a strong beating heart. There’s a pituitary gland in the brain… A life force in itself. Yes, the mother (host) is needed, and the baby can’t survive alone, but it doesn’t make it any less real for me. And, if it were “just tissue” then couldn’t we more easily say “Oh I’m passing some tissue?” Anyway, I don’t want to get into that here… I want to let women know that when the pregnancy test changes from positive to negative, you are not alone.

The fact that I had finally come to terms of only having two kiddos, doesn’t mean that this 3rd child, that will not be, is something that I will not miss in my own way. Something, or someone, I won’t wonder about later. I’ll need time to process it (less time physically than emotionally). But, I’m blessed to have two children, and even if they were less than healthy or weren’t smart – I’d love them the same.  But, I realize, I can still mourn this miscarriage as a loss. With the shedding of blood and my carpal tunnel gone – I’m supposed to be back to normal, but I’m not. During this time I didn’t touch my computer: I blog and comment on social media regularly – I didn’t… why? Was I afraid I’d let out the words? Just type it out for the world to see? Or, with the hormones and the feelings that I’m either not supposed to share or just not supposed to have… was I just not interested in the regular bickering that happens on social media? I don’t know… but I got a bit behind on a few things and decided to get back on track. So here I am and facebook friends, expect more political posts again… I know you’ve missed them :) )

And if I didn’t tell you in person, it wasn’t because I wanted to let you know this way… it is just that really, even I’m not yet comfortable with making a phone call “just” to tell you of my loss. We’re just not there yet.

Loss happens – but it doesn’t mean we need to be silent. And, I have my voice.

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64 comments

  1. I’m thankful that I’m in a group of friends that we feel open enough to squeel at the first signs of pregnancy and to mourn a miscarriage no matter how early in the pregnancy we are.
    If I choose not to announce either a pregnancy or miscarriage then that’s my choice. But by means should women be madequate to feel ashamed or we should have to hide that aspect of life.

     
  2. OMG…I can relate with you so much. I had a miscarriage about 2 months ago now and I hate talking or telling people about it. The reason being is I had another miscarriage besides the one 2 months ago. That one was about 8 months before the other one. i am in kidney failure and on dialysis so it makes it twice as hard but I really thought I was going to make it but I didnt. So the second time I didnt tell many people cause the first time omg I thought i had to relive it a million of times. I have dealt with both of them but this is the first time I am writing about them so all public can read. Maybe it would make me feel better to share or something. I am not sure.

     
  3. I just went through the same thing two weeks ago. I was about 10.5/11 weeks along. I have one daughter. I know how you feel and I’m going through the same feelings with you. I was able to recover my baby so that I can bury it, but just like you I’ve moved around a lot recently and will have to wait a couple months to bury my baby back home near our family.

    With my first, I waited until I was clear of the first trimester to announce and with this one, I announced publicly at about 9.5 weeks. I don’t know why it’s so hard to tell everyone about a miscarriage, but probably be it is taboo and there is still such a debate for those who are prolife or those who support first trimester abortions so it’s hard for others to support women who have lost a child early in pregnancy due to heir political views.? I think that if a person could experience what we’ve been through and if they could look at my baby and see that it is a baby and not some glob of tissue, it would be very difficult for them to come to terms with.

     
  4. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I feel incredibly lucky that I have never experienced the pain of a miscarriage, but close family & friends have and I have seen how devastating it is, and how isolated they have felt. With it happening to 1 in 4 pregnancies I just don’t get why it is so taboo still. Hope you find some peace, and thankyou for sharing x

     
  5. I feel like women experience things like this more than men. The wanting, needing to talking about something but feeling like we aren’t allowed. We do the same with rape, molestation, death. Any hard topic really. These are things people go through, sometimes unfortunately. We should empower each other to discuss them in the open. Also, to your comment on the third child not meant to be, I’m with you. While I’ve never had a miscarriage I agreed to stop at two since my husband didn’t want any and we were blessed with twins out the gate. Good luck and thank you for sharing.

     
  6. I was talking to my sister about this yesterday. I think it is crazy that this social taboo keeps soo many women from announcing they are pregnancy until AFTER the hardest part of their pregnancy. Those first 3 months when morning sickness is the worst are the very time mothers could use love and support. And if they should loose their baby, don’t they need even more love and help.

     
  7. I’m compelled to not comment because for me, nothing anyone said was of any comfort. There was no right or good thing to say. I know my friends had good intentions but I was in such a traumatized daze that I just didn’t want to hear other people’s thoughts on how it was going to be okay, or comparisons to my 1st child (he has special needs; would I really want another child possibly with special needs) or their experiences with miscarriage; etc. I think I just needed someone to be there to let me cry, let me feel 1,000 different things. To not comment but to just let me be yet still just being there for me.
    It’s obviously different for everyone so I’ll just wish/pray for your physical & emotional health & that you’re surrounded by understanding/supportive people & peace for as long as you may need. <3

    Oh, what did help me after some of the physical healing had begun
    was searching the internet to see how others processed/memorialized their loss.
    After realizing it was not customary & that I would not be burying or having any type of service for my baby. I needed something…. something tangible. The hospital offered no birth/death certificate so I searched for a miscarriage certificate. I needed something to recognize this baby's existence as well as our loss. Whether it's releasing balloons, planting a tree or lighting a candle… that might be something to consider. <3

     
  8. You are totally right. I often wonder about things like that myself. My mother lost a baby full term (3 days prior to delivering) as did my mother in law. I always mention their birthdays, visiting them at the cemetery, and just in general conversation, but neither of them ever want to discuss ir or mention it period. Maybe it was just their generation. I am sorry to hear about your loss.

     
  9. i am sorry that you are going through this and thanks for sharing your story with us. My mom had miscarriage more than 5x ;(. The last pregnancy went on a bit longer but too bad, she couldn’t keep it because of her high blood pressure

     
  10. You are absolutely right. Be proud of yourself for having the strength to face this challenging fate. Maybe sometimes, silence is just a phase we go through because we have yet to admit to ourselves what just happened. I admit, I have been silent during my trying times too.

     
  11. I am sorry for your loss. I really don’t understand why we should wait after the first trimester to announce it. When I found out I was pregnant with my first born, I immediately called my family to let them know. It was my first, so I had no idea of what to do. It was a good thing I told them because I got all the support I needed. I guess the same goes when you had a miscarriage. Your family and closest friends will be there for you.

     
  12. Hugs mama. You are very right. Waiting to tell people about a pregnancy because it’s “too early” can all too often mean that women have to deal with their miscarriage alone. Some women might want that but I think all of us want at least 1 or 2 people who we can tell so that we aren’t completely alone. I know when I miscarried (technically a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks…still a miscarriage if you ask me) it was awful. I had only known for a day or two so we didn’t even have a chance to tell people, which meant that nobody knew I miscarried. It’s a hard place to be. I’m glad that you are writing about early miscarriages, more people need to understand that women need support even with early miscarriages.

     
  13. I had no idea that some people consider it a taboo subject. I don’t quite get why it should be… During pregnancy, a certain percentage of women do miscarry, and giving comfort to them instead of pretending it never happened is a sad way to handle it.

     
    1. Amanda, I reread my comment and realized I made a mistake in how I wrote my sentence. It should have read: I had no idea that some people consider it a taboo subject. I don’t quite get why it should be taboo… During pregnancy, a certain percentage of women do miscarry. We should all empathize with women who go through this painful process. Pretending it never happened, instead of giving comfort to them, is a sad way to handle it. Phew! {{Hugs}}

       
  14. I just had a miscarriage July 17. I had a previous one 12 yrs ago and although the first was painful physically, this last one I was worse emotionally. I didn’t talk about it, still don’t. Only because it still stings, not because it’s taboo.

     
  15. I think unless someone has experienced or known someone close that has had a miscarriage.. find it hard to understand and relate. I think it is important to talk about to give others a stronger understanding.

     
  16. This post really resonates with me. I’m a mom of five and I lose a baby in between each pregnancy. Our last loss was June of 2014, but we just had our rainbow baby in June of this year.

     
  17. There is no shame or fault on anyone’s part–only sadness. I have a feeling that what keeps women silent at first is denial-they have not yet come to terms with the loss. Yes, I have been there and the deep sadness that pervades you will hopefully lessen in time. Remember the two you do have–they need you in body and spirit.

     
  18. I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is a hard thing to deal with – I have been with my long time boyfriend and I lost twins. I would have been due in one month had I not lost them. ITs an experience and I have not shared with anyone .

     
  19. As someone that also had an early term miscarriage, these feelings are all too familiar! Please know you aren’t alone, and that there is so much power in sharing! I’m so sorry!

     
  20. It’s even harder to share when you can’t have any children, which is my case. Thank you for sharing your experience. So sorry.

     
  21. So sad that women who had a miscarriage had to suffer alone because of a silly superstition. I never had a miscarriage, but I am a mom and I know how precious to me my babies are. It will hurt so much if I had lost my baby. Please think that you are not alone.

     
  22. I’m so sorry! It’s so hard! I still wonder about the baby I lost, but I guess I wouldn’t have Keira. We should not be alone in our suffering. We have the right to grieve!

     
  23. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    I suffered a miscarriage about 5 years ago – and there are days it’s still painful. I didn’t tell people because I didn’t want to cry in front of them and make them uncomfortable with my tears.

     
  24. Such a brave act to share such story. Hope women who are also into this situation could find the calmness and peace you have now.

     
  25. This is a a different view than most see. I lost my baby before I even knew he had been conceived. I mourned his loss. Very few understand how great a loss this is. I was one of many that didn’t quite get it until I lost my child.

     
  26. Recently a good friend and blogger had an early miscarriage. She felt bad talking about it. I told her she was allowed to be sad, mad and talk about it. Others said horrible things and made all kinds of excuses. I felt so bad for what she went through. Thanks for sharing your story. I know many do not know what to say, but often just listening is all that is needed

     

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