I had a miscarriage.
I’m no longer pregnant.
These are all taboo sentences. Things we are not supposed to share.
So many times in the last few days I’ve whispered them to myself, said them under my breath, but couldn’t muster the courage to utter them aloud. I don’t know why. I finally forced myself to say them to a few people. Typing it was easier, but saying it… Why are we so afraid? Or, is it shame?
We would tell someone “oh I’m staying in today, I have a bit of a cold” or “I have a headache, I think I’ll just stay in bed” but when we’re experiencing a loss, even one we weren’t expecting, or even one we didn’t plan to have – we say nothing.
We’re told, as women, to wait to announce a pregnancy until after the first trimester. Why? Because miscarriages are common. But telling us to not announce a pregnancy tells us we should be silent about loss. If we’re not superstitious, then talking about it shouldn’t cause a miscarriage. I mean, talking about being pregnant won’t jinx us, will it?
Instead we wonder… was it the drinks I had at the reception before I knew? Was it the fact that I had told someone “Oh I think we’re done! I’m finally over the diapers stage and couldn’t imagine facing diapers and snapping a car seat again!”
I mean, do I really think that I could really wish away a child?
Announcing a miscarriage won’t cause someone else to have one, either, right?
If we can say “I’m taking a mental health day” and take a day off work, or tell our neighbor “AH! I have this nasty cold, darn kid germs,” then why can’t we say, “Yeah, it seems I’m having a miscarriage… I think I’ll stay in today and continually change my pad to make sure there’s no clotting…”
Okay we may not need to get that detailed, but a simple “yeah It seems I’m having a miscarriage…” should be something we can say. But, why can’t we bring those words from our head through our lips? Why can’t we at least let our close ones in on our little secret. That way if you’re a bit touchy or moody or “have the feelz” – they’ll understand why.
Why should we be silent about miscarriage? Are we perpetrators? Are we victims … or are we just experiencing a part of life.
Pregnancy loss, miscarriage – it happens. Please, we need not be silent – we can celebrate life in many ways – but silence will not change the “feelz” we get. Silence will not change the loss. Silence will only perpetuate the shame we’re being told we should feel.
I don’t believe “it was just tissue, so no mourning is necessary.” At 6 weeks along, the body and head were forming and there was a strong beating heart. There’s a pituitary gland in the brain… A life force in itself. Yes, the mother (host) is needed, and the baby can’t survive alone, but it doesn’t make it any less real for me. And, if it were “just tissue” then couldn’t we more easily say “Oh I’m passing some tissue?” Anyway, I don’t want to get into that here… I want to let women know that when the pregnancy test changes from positive to negative, you are not alone.
The fact that I had finally come to terms of only having two kiddos, doesn’t mean that this 3rd child, that will not be, is something that I will not miss in my own way. Something, or someone, I won’t wonder about later. I’ll need time to process it (less time physically than emotionally). But, I’m blessed to have two children, and even if they were less than healthy or weren’t smart – I’d love them the same. But, I realize, I can still mourn this miscarriage as a loss. With the shedding of blood and my carpal tunnel gone – I’m supposed to be back to normal, but I’m not. During this time I didn’t touch my computer: I blog and comment on social media regularly – I didn’t… why? Was I afraid I’d let out the words? Just type it out for the world to see? Or, with the hormones and the feelings that I’m either not supposed to share or just not supposed to have… was I just not interested in the regular bickering that happens on social media? I don’t know… but I got a bit behind on a few things and decided to get back on track. So here I am and facebook friends, expect more political posts again… I know you’ve missed them )
And if I didn’t tell you in person, it wasn’t because I wanted to let you know this way… it is just that really, even I’m not yet comfortable with making a phone call “just” to tell you of my loss. We’re just not there yet.
Loss happens – but it doesn’t mean we need to be silent. And, I have my voice.