heraclitus quote

Is this really me? The person I’ve become in India

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Upon discussing our move here, my sister in law said, “Don’t try to change India, it’ll change you.”

My husband agreed and I thought slyly…

it won’t change me!

How wrong I was.

I have to wonder though, is this “new” me, really me?

Am I really the person who yells at a government official over the phone? (Even if he is asking for papers that weren’t listed anywhere and we’re only 2.5 months after the date that the file should have been processed?)

Am I really the person who sees a pregnant beggar and says “hospital, doctor” on a good day, and buries my head in my phone on a not so good day?

Am I really the person who walks through a trashed area on Earth Day and thinks it is “someone else’s” problem?

I don’t want to be that person.

I’ve come to be more introverted. I’m no longer outgoing. Can I be okay with that?

Am I okay being alone? Alone with only my thoughts? Are my kids okay with me like this?

Is my husband okay with me like this?

Is our family okay with me like this? Is this me? Am I still me?

In my freshman year of college, I remember philosophy class and totally feeling out of my league having to describe this Heraclitus quote,

heraclitus quote
My daughter teasing my husband of getting closer to the river (Wondering where they are? Lovely Canyon falls in Baraga County, MI)

Here’s the thing. My husband KNEW I wouldn’t do well here, but he still said okay, we’ll give it a try. I wanted the opportunity for the kids to “know” India. I wanted the kids to learn the language and have the ability to “be” here. There are things we’ve accepted. Day-to-day, I’m fine, but then I have moments of wondering just who the hell I am. Am I who I was? Can I ever be the same person? India isn’t the same as it was for my husband when he left India 20 years ago, as everything is changing. I know for a fact, I am no longer the person I was… and now I’m on my way to being this new me.

This, I’ll need to be okay with. For my kids. For my marriage. For me. As Heraclitus also said,

Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.

Allowing a Heraclitus quote on change to remind me I’ll never be the old me.

And, when I get to know this new me, whether I’m here in India still, back in Phoenix, or in Michigan or anywhere else in the world, I know that my experiences will still shape me. I need to be okay with change… even if the changes seem to make no sense at all. Smile. and. Nod.

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32 comments

  1. The best thing about change is that it’s never over. So even in these moments that you’re NOT okay with how it’s going – there’s still hope.

     
  2. I agree with Kylie, we are constantly changing and with change comes growth. I think you are meant to be where you are at the moment – it’s part of the plan.

     
  3. Love this post – you’re so open and honest. I think we all change as we get older – experiences help to shape us. And sometimes we turn into versions of ourselves that we never imagined. Love that quote!

     
  4. It’s not so extreme but I had/have the same issues moving from a place I was living for 18 years to the place we live now. It’s still in the same country, but so many things are night and day. Some good, some challenging, but it’s okay. :)

     
    1. I agree with you and with Robin. If you see you’re changing in ways you don’t like, recognizing that is the first step towards making a positive move to turn things back around. :)

       
  5. So true, change is inevitable. I once read, “Who Moved My Cheese” and it’s a great book for those who struggle with change. I’ve tried to be better about it and accept change, though it is really difficult at times. Change can be a good thing, it can make the future exciting.

     
  6. Sounds a little rough right now, but sometimes when get settle in, we see that change isn’t so bad. Here’s hoping it starts looking up for you in India soon!

     
  7. The best posts are the ones that are from the heart. Change is difficult and can be had but it makes us all a better person in the end. Good for you that you are giving your children the opportunity to experience their history means you rock!!

     
  8. We are always changing. And having to get used to living in a new environment is a tough change for most of us! Maybe you will be more like your old self as more time passes?

     
  9. This is a really great post. I love how honest and open you are. It can be hard to admit when you have changed in ways you don’t really like- even if later on those changes turn out to be a blessing in disguise!

     
  10. Sometimes when I reflect on my life, I know I’ve changed. I just need to keep in good spirits and pray for guidance whether it is a good or bad change.

     
  11. It must have been a huge change for you so it’s definitely understandable! The main thing is don’t forget who you are even if you do change and when you do change, embrace it for what it is.

     
  12. I love that you’re able to reflect and ask yourself these questions. Many people aren’t able to do that. You can make the change and be the person you really want to be if you’re not happy.

     

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