Upon discussing our move here, my sister in law said, “Don’t try to change India, it’ll change you.”
My husband agreed and I thought slyly…
it won’t change me!
How wrong I was.
I have to wonder though, is this “new” me, really me?
Am I really the person who yells at a government official over the phone? (Even if he is asking for papers that weren’t listed anywhere and we’re only 2.5 months after the date that the file should have been processed?)
Am I really the person who sees a pregnant beggar and says “hospital, doctor” on a good day, and buries my head in my phone on a not so good day?
Am I really the person who walks through a trashed area on Earth Day and thinks it is “someone else’s” problem?
I don’t want to be that person.
I’ve come to be more introverted. I’m no longer outgoing. Can I be okay with that?
Am I okay being alone? Alone with only my thoughts? Are my kids okay with me like this?
Is my husband okay with me like this?
Is our family okay with me like this? Is this me? Am I still me?
In my freshman year of college, I remember philosophy class and totally feeling out of my league having to describe this Heraclitus quote,
Here’s the thing. My husband KNEW I wouldn’t do well here, but he still said okay, we’ll give it a try. I wanted the opportunity for the kids to “know” India. I wanted the kids to learn the language and have the ability to “be” here. There are things we’ve accepted. Day-to-day, I’m fine, but then I have moments of wondering just who the hell I am. Am I who I was? Can I ever be the same person? India isn’t the same as it was for my husband when he left India 20 years ago, as everything is changing. I know for a fact, I am no longer the person I was… and now I’m on my way to being this new me.
This, I’ll need to be okay with. For my kids. For my marriage. For me. As Heraclitus also said,
Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.
Allowing a Heraclitus quote on change to remind me I’ll never be the old me.
And, when I get to know this new me, whether I’m here in India still, back in Phoenix, or in Michigan or anywhere else in the world, I know that my experiences will still shape me. I need to be okay with change… even if the changes seem to make no sense at all. Smile. and. Nod.